i find

myself looking at things differently these days. there's a steel to the gaze, long gone is the rose-tinted shade of looking at the world.

maybe it's the feeling of jaded-ness , whatever that word means. i always liked jade. the stone, the colour. jade is the new black, apparently. jaded should be mean something beautiful, not something negative.

thoughts swirl of things that i never paid much heed to in the past. priorities rearranged, and new goals formed.

or maybe, it's just that i am simply no longer the 18 year old i always like to think of myself as.

i've grown up. no more a little girl. no more vulnerable.

no more.

it's only

when you experience the loss or something that you then truly appreciate that it existed before in your life.

and that's the only time when you realise that nothing truly matters, except for the thing that just passed before you. you reach out to take it, only to

catch air.

Men are bastards

but women still want to be with them. That was what I told adriel after he told me the first line. it's the same old story 男人不坏，女人不爱.

to that, i can only say that most women think of themselves as a saint or something, hoping to change the world by changing a man, their man that is. But of course, the wise of old have stated categorically that a leopard never changes its spots. As we all know, very unfortunately, history does end up repeating itself.

i asked myself if i like bad boys. Hm. I think the appeal of bad boys is rather irresistible, but it's not easy for me to ever be into somehow to the point of losing myself. i am just not that into you.

And sometimes, it seems as though i enjoy playing this game. a game of love. and someday, somehow, someone is going to make sure that karma bites me back in the ass.

by making me fall in love with a real bastard, a real bad boy.

till then.

i'm still waiting. HA.

---

love is a boring topic to blog on. never ending cycle, which reminds me of 500 days of summer which i discussed with damien over coffee. shopping is so much better. therapeutic, cathartic, etc. whatever.

i bought a skirt i was mulling over since cny. went to try it on, great fit, bought it. i went to kino and once again went crazy. japanese books are the loveliest books around. bought one to force myself to start reading japanese. i look forward to reading more and being fluent in the language.

i am bored. that's all.

because

the real reason she could never really love anyone, was because she already loved someone else.

someone who would never love her back.

how tragic. and yet it's this kind of love that keeps us alive. the hope that someday, the person will love us back.

and until we die, we will always carry that hope.

Happy Vday.

I'm one day late in wishing, 3 years too late in telling you.

happy cny

and vday(?). strangely enough it does not make me feel hurt to receive those words... rather it's just a strange sense of... nonchalance. or maybe i am just building those walls, which will break down soon in a flood of tears.

maybe. but one thing is for sure- i am tired.

life does not suck. there are more things to think of and do. although the occasional impulse to look at seniors' wedding photos/engagement pics (heck, one of my friends is now engaged as well!) makes the pressure a bit hard to bear, but there's the reminder that better things are yet to come. as the acs motto goes, THE BEST IS YET TO BE.

still, i just wished i could put everything down and disappear. to paris. or maybe tokyo. shanghai would be good but it's just not that far enough.

paris. london. i always preferred the french.

one day.

happy cny.

deja vu

the same place. the same day. just not the same table.

it felt so surreal. the silence, the anguish, the lingering feeling of seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

no screaming, no shouting, no tears. just the sound of untold disappointment.

"more tea?"
"yes please."
"no, i had enough."

It was telling from the start.

"then i guess this is it. we have nothing more left to say."

no regrets.

i wish you all the best for your life ahead.

the end. a chapter closed on yet another step of life.